Everyone with an Android, go ahead and leave my site and never come back.
For the rest of civilization, you’ve been dealing with iOS 11 for the past few weeks. As per most iOS releases, I don’t know how to do 99% of the stuff that people claim it does. I can still click the Twitter button and send out bad tweets the same way I did with iOS 10, and that’s all that really matters.
Nonetheless, there are still some things missing from the update. Specifically, there’s 5 things missing:
They’ve got this new night shift thing that turns down your phone brightness and puts your phone on do not disturb for when you go to sleep. That’s great and all, but hear me out on this: Morning Shift, for those mornings when you wake up and just know today’s not going to happen. Turn it on, and it automatically turns off the 12 alarms you set for that morning and sends emails to your Professors saying you’ve got walking pneumonia and can’t make it to class today.
There could even be a couple levels to Morning Shift. So that one I just explained could be code red, while code yellow is that your alarms reset for an hour later and the email saying you’ve got pneumonia just goes to your 8am teacher. Code Green turns on your coffee pot and starts the shower.
Make the front facing camera worse
This might not be an iOS thing as much as a new iPhone thing, but we’ve gone past how good of a quality of front facing camera we need. I shouldn’t be able to count every pore on my face, it’s just depressing.
Stop automatically opening links in Safari
You’re right nerds, I can probably go to settings somewhere and figure out a way to make my default browser Google Chrome. That way, when I click on links on Twitter, it opens up in my Chrome app. But I’m lazy, and that’s just not going to happen any time soon.Before I know it, I’ve got 500 tabs in Safari because I never close them out. Can’t possibly be good for my phone’s health.
There are two types of people in this world: people who use chrome, and dummies. Just succumb to the power of Google already, and set Chrome to be the default browser on every phone.
Btw, spread the awareness that we’re all using Chrome by quote tweeting this guy’s tweet with “100%”.
Ultra Mega Super Low Power Mode
You’re a bum if your phone isn’t on Low Power Mode 25/8/366. But even with it on, my battery’s drained by 2 o’clock most days. Which used to be great compared to the drained by 11 I’d be without low power mode. But it’s like taking advil. You get a headache and take one advil, and you’re straight. But if you do that every weekend for a couple months straight, you become desensitized and its benefits aren’t as recognizable any more. You’ve got to up the ante.
Just the same, I’m not feeling the benefits of low power mode any more. Give me ultra mega super low power mode. There’s other stuff going on in the background that’s draining the swamp, even in low power mode, that I don’t need. Like how those new cars shut down every time you stop, and then restart in order to save fuel? Do that with my phone. Let my phone shut off when I lock it. Don’t send me any notifications, I’ll be checking my phone within the next 20 minutes any ways. Even the clock, go ahead and keep that puppy from ticking when I’m in ultra mega super low power mode. We’ll figure out another way to check the time.
Stop selling my fingerprint and face to the government
There’s NO WAY that Apple isn’t stealing my fingerprint even if I’m not using it to unlock my phone. The technology’s still in my phone, so what’s to lead me to believe it’s not on automatically, detecting my thumb every time I touch the home button. It’s not even an issue of privacy. Like take my thumb print and my face (which they do every time you take a selfie, these are just the facts) if you want to. I have no current plans in place to try and get off the grid or avoid the feds. Just don’t lie about whether or not you are.