Tweeted it out in the instance, but I’ll say it again here. Who knew that rich people ate soup? Thought that was just something they gave to the rest of us to eat and be disappointed with.
But I digress. What a disappointment it was to find out that JR’s soup of choice was chicken tortilla. That doesn’t convey the disrespect he was trying to show. So what would have conveyed that message? Let us discuss.
5. Creamy Tomato Soup
The haters will come out of the woodworks (??????) on this one. We don’t let them get to us though. Consistency is important, but lasting impact is even more important. Creamy tomato soup is going to stain any clothing. Best case scenario is they’re wearing a white shirt, but we could live even with a black tee. Come to think of it, the black shirt might be better. Because stains on a dark-colored shirt are the ones that really get to you. When you get a stain on a white shirt, you throw that shirt away immediately. It’s a swift decision. But that stain on your black shirt? You keep that thing around, and you tell yourself “oh yeah I can still wear that”, even though you never do. You’ll pick it up once a week for the next 6 months, have that little discussion, and then throw it back in your dresser. No other soup on this list will have the psychological impact that a creamy tomato soup would have.
Oh golly the haters are back and they’re at it again, telling me that chili isn’t a soup. Well, riddle me this then: isn’t it kinda liquidy? Don’t you eat it out of a bowl, and with a spoon? What other criteria do we need for soup?
Still, since it’s border-line, we can leave it at number 4. Throwing a bowl of chili would be the most disappointing from a waste-of-food standpoint. A bowl of chili is a whole meal, not just a side dish like these other soups. There would be audible gasps, and possibly tears, to see all that meat and beans flying across the room. We have to decide if there will be condiments and additives allowed, because that may change the discussion. You throw some spaghetti noodles in your chili, and it catapults to number one. You can’t be a grown man with spaghetti noodles on your person and be taken seriously.
Tis breaking news to this brain that jambalaya does not have a U in it. Since we’re considering chili a soup, jumbalaya must also be in the conversation. The thiccness and pure heft of the dish makes it a top option. That thing’s going to connect and you’ll hear a cartoon-ish splat. On top of that, you get that deep red stain that the creamy tomato soup brought to the metaphorical and literal table. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but most jambalaya has some spice to it, correct? Time the throw right when they’re turning, and they don’t have time to close their eyes. Get those little pepper flakes in his (or her) eyes, and boom they’ve got a serious case of irritation for the next 20 minutes.
2. TIE Creamy Spinach/Butternut Squash/Bread Bowl of Broccoli Cheddar
Had to have a tie because I don’t think any human ever has actually eaten creamy spinach or butternut squash soup. That almost works in their favor for this list though, because of how gross they are. That’s a taste and a smell that’s going to sit deep within your pores until the day you die. Plus, and not to harp on thiccness so much as to scare you off, but it’s got to be discussed again. Both of these soups have that x-factor.
And then our last tied soup is a bread bowl of broccoli cheddar. Some might say the only reason this is on the list is because I’m hungry at the moment of posting, and the bread bowl of broccoli cheddar, despite being more carbs than any human ever needs, sounds very good right now. They would be right. Anything in a bread bowl is going to do damage. First you get the impact of the bread bowl, and then you get the broccoli cheddar soup seeping down your person. On top of that, you have to go to Panera to get this, so it’s pretty expensive. If you’re willing to shell out like $9 worth of soup just to throw at a person, your disrespect is as sincere as it gets.
1. Matzah (????) Ball Soup
It all comes down to impact. This matzah smacks you in the face, and you’re being put immediately into concussion protocol. No need for the independent neurologist on the sideline to even take a look at you. Your next stop is a CAT scan. Bennett Omalu will be studying your brain. In my mind, a matzah ball is like a pound. Don’t inform me otherwise.
That concludes our list. If you’re going to disagree, you better come ready with facts, because these Twitter fingers are itching.