Ah yes, Halloween. A holiday that, very similar to my athletic career, peaks around age 11. Even though you’re not going to go door to door asking for candy, you’re still going to need a costume to help you make small talk at whatever soiree you’re headed to.
And by “a costume to help you make small talk”, I of course mean a fire outfit that will get you Instagram likes by the dozens. Usually, to be topical, you’ve got to dress up like a character from a TV show or a meme. But with the way the NBA has turned into a soap opera, you’ve got an opportunity to be the talk of the town on both #NBATwitter, and real person Twitter. Go ahead, use my brain all you want. Just tag us on Twitter:
What you need: 1 Steph Curry Jersey, 1 diaper, 1 pacifier, 1 bag of mouthpieces to throw at passersby
This was a cheap shot, a very valid point made by you, the reader. Nonetheless, it’s easy and quick to put together. Plus, the diaper will come in handy literally throughout the whole night. Nobody likes having to go to the bathroom at a bar, or god forbid, at a party. Now in a bush? That’s a different story. I’m digressing.
What You Need: 1 stuffed donkey, 1 face strap (???), 1 mini-wade jersey
Going to be tough to talk in this one, so this is more of an Internet costume. This thing will hit black Twitter, and you’ll be famous forever. Ricky Smiley and Wendy Williams will be talking about you on Monday. I for one, want both things. Considering a life goal of mine is to do the color of the day on the Ricky Smiley morning show, this one feels right.
What You Need: 1 Pipe, 1 bottle of Henny, 0 shirts (except for a JR Smith shirtless tat shirt)
Guaranteed you find your future wife wearing this costume.
What you need: multiple phones, tentacles
Quite the expensive Halloween costume. But again, just find a few friends (easier said than done) and borrow their phones for 3 minutes so you can flex for the Insta pic. I feel like we’re letting this KD story die down, and I for one refuse to allow that to happen. Be a hero for the NBA community, and wear this costume to remind folsk how paper thin the skin of the 2nd best player in the league (and a top 10 player all-time) is.
What you need: one crown, one BBB sweater, one stay in your lane sign
We’re at the point that Lavar gets to go by one name. He’s damn near on the household name level of KD and Lebron (I promise I haven’t been drinking that much). Therefore, this one should be pretty evident to people when you walk in the spot. Real talk, would you hack an election system if Lavar were running for President in 2020? Because I’m damn near that. It started as a shtick for Twitter, where I just gassed up everything he said, but I’ve been fully brainwashed. It’s a cult. He could slaughter a goat on Periscope and I’d be able to tell you why it’s the best marketing strategy in 5 decades within 7 minutes. This one’s going to involve dropping a good amount of money on a BBB sweater, at least a G on a royal crown (we don’t mess with that fake mess), and then some minor thievery of a sign. Doable. You have plenty of time.