Here Are Some Genius Ideas For How Twitter Can Save Itself

We all use Twitter daily. It’s, easily, the single best website/app ever created. Like there’s not even a close second. Don’t give me Facebook or Wikipedia or Reddit or some porn thing, because those are the wrong takes. Twitter’s the best. Yet, somehow, it’s still losing a gazillion dollars. It’s our job to save it, not just the nerds that make the app. Is it sad and an overstatement to say Twitter’s the only thing that brings me true happiness? Well, yes and no. And so in order to do my part, I came up with some great ideas they can use to start stacking Tubman’s.

(by the way, is that still a thing? when are those coming out? please slide in our DMs with answers)

Let me put a picture in a quote tweet already

The fact I can’t quote tweet with a gif is the most difficult part of my life. You got rid of the putting a period in front of the name when responding thing, so now we need to adapt. Like if I’ve got a funny gif response to someone’s tweet, I want everyone to see it. Call it an ego thing if you want, I call it a smart social media strategy. Me and the other residents of twitter dot com would easily pay $1 per time we do that, or maybe you bundle them and it’s like 20 or $10. I don’t care, that’s for the business people to figure out. Right now, I’m left doing this nonsense:

Let people pay to get others kicked off of Twitter

This is the best one. Like the reverse of a rich family giving money to a school to not kick out their child, you give Twitter money to kick someone off. Here’s how the payment would work:

  • For $10/follower, you can kick out a person for 12 hours. 
    • To kick Person A (100 followers) off Twitter for 12 hours costs $1000
  • For $50/follower, you can kick out a person for 48 hours
  • For $200/follower, you can kick out a person for 2 weeks
  • For $10,000/follower, you can permanently kick out a person

Okay, there’s some logistical kinks to work out. “Well Paul couldn’t that person just start a new account???” Again, not for me to figure out. I’m not a computer person (this is what my brain calls software engineers). But who doesn’t love that feeling of power? And obviously the money doesn’t have to be put up by one person, it can be a group effort. We need some restraints on it, of course, so people who can’t be kicked off are:

  • anyone in the government (that’s just going to cause too many problems)
  • the pope
  • JR Smith

This is capitalism and freedom and America at its finest, isn’t it? You’re essentially buying out someone’s stock in their own Twitter account. Let them put up the money if they want to match and keep the account, otherwise control gets turned over to the people that paid to take the account down. Let’s walk through it.

You see a dumb tweet like this:

Find out guy has 483k followers. Raise the necessary $4.8 billion, and boom he’s gone forever. Everyone’s happy, and Twitter stocks go up 1000%

Let me give my profile a different theme, see who blocks me, and 

There aren’t even jokes to makes, these are just good ass ideas. The themes would be ala MySpace. Make people pay for templates and whatnot, let em throw their favorite music on their, etc. etc. etc. Again, I’m not a website designer, it’s up to y’all to figure out how to not make it look cheesy. And I take people blocking me very personally, so I need the names of each person that does it. Also would be fascinating analytics to correlate tweets with when people block me. Like how do I get blocked by everyone on Twitter? The secret’s within letting me pay to see who blocked me, and when.

Get rid of the racists, nazis, and people who have more than 500k tweets

All around pretty self explanatory.



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