A Guide To Hating The Warriors For All New Warriors Haters

We’re on the cusp of what many suspect will be the most watched Finals in NBA history. And not just because it’s the third straight year (*extremely Chance the Rapper voice* THIS IS THE THIRD) they’re meeting, but because for the first time in a long time, we have the head and shoulders top two players in the world facing head to head (if you thought I was talking about Lebron playing Steph Curry continue to X out of this page and never return to my website for the rest of your life). Lebron vs. KD, for a whole series. They have to cover each other, there’s no other options on either team. Take a moment to appreciate that, because who knows if we’ll ever see it again.

But what made that matchup possible was of course KD going to the Warriors, in the process transitioning some who were neutral on the Warriors to Warriors haters. It’s like in an election when the primaries end, and everyone ends up on one side or the other, with only a few lames stuck in the “neutral” category. As the self-proclaimed chief Warriors hater, I’m here to guide you on how to hate the Warriors. (Read up on my previous Warriors hate here and here and probably here).

Don’t let Steph Curry trick you into thinking he’s good

Chances are if you were neutral, you just watched a game, saw Steph hit all those shots, and figure “wow, he is pretty good”. False. You’re on our side now, and you have to understood he’s not as good as he seems. Pick him up and put him on the Magic, and he’s Jimmer. Watch him consistently cover the 5th scoring option on the court so that he doesn’t expend any energy he’ll need to use to run through the 77 illegal screens he needs to score. He’s just like Deandre Jordan defensively. You see the two or three blocks/steals in the box score, and think that he’s capable. False. Not true. Just as Deandre Jordan can’t cover a pick and roll, Steph Curry can’t cover a single starting point guard in the league one on one.

Unfollow Bleacher Report

Partially, this is a personal thing. It makes me angry the praise Bleacher Report gets, because they got $100 million from Turner last year. Which like, props to them for getting. But you give me $100 million, I would probably be able to make the best app in the world. But also unfollow them because they praise the Warriors and Steph Curry like nobody else. Every Steph Curry three gets the eyes emoji from their Twitter account, which Bleacher Report thinks they’re so cool for using. Doesn’t matter who wins the game, Bleacher Report will have upwards of a dozen Warriors articles on their home page. For the sake of me, unfollow them on all social media.

We root for Draymond to get angry

Most players, you root for them to miss shots. You say “Oh I hope Klay doesn’t get going”. With Draymond, it’s very different. Let him dunk and then flex on people. Let him start mouthing off. We root for the anger, so that he’ll get those technicals and flagrants that he deserves. He’s the shortest-fused player in the league, and even though the refs let him get away with as much complaining as Lebron, they techs are going to pile up in this series. And in the most critical moment, Draymond will do something extremely boneheaded that draws an ejection. That’s the moment we root for.

Never get too high, and never get too low

There’ll be a point that the Cavs are up 20 in a game, and there’ll be a point the Warriors will be up 20 in a game. Stay level. Remember that right around the corner from every Cavs lead are 12 straight missed JR Smith threes. Or that a 20 point Warriors lead could be demolished by a Kevin Love or Kyrie hot streak. These are the two best teams, they can come back from anything.

Mark Jackson will, at some point, make you angry, at which point you have to accuse him of being biased

Mark Jackson’s a phenomenal announcer, sure. But he knows who he’s rooting for. Lebron will have a huge dunk, followed up by a Kyrie steal and finish, but Mark will take the next break in action to talk about how well Steph Curry came off of a three. It’s not an option for you to brush that off any more, you have to be angry about it. Drink the Koolaid with me.

The Cavs are a means to an end

Last but not least, I feel like this is the hardest thing for newfound Warriors haters. You’re just going to have to root for Lebron and the Cavs, because they’re the means to and end. Personally, I’ve never had an issue with Lebron or the Cavs, but there’s deep hatred (aka jealousy) of his teams for whatever reason. Get over it. It’s like voting for Hillary over Donald. Hillary may have been flawed, but at least she wasn’t Donald Trump. Sometimes you have to support someone you hate in order to stop someone you hate even more.


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