If I had to pick one event that the rest of the world probably hates us the most for (or would hate us the most about if they even knew about it, because I feel like outside of the States people don’t know that we do this and make a big deal out of it), it’s got to be the Kentucky Derby. It’s the definition of opulence and whiteness. Big hats. Rich people. Money being thrown down on minorites riding animals in a circle. It’s like a scene out of a Hunger Games movie.
Nonetheless, the people want it to be covered and I’m a man of the people, always and forever. Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about horses, or the horses running in this race (I almost wrote teams to be totally transparent). So instead of a Derby preview, let’s just talk pros and cons of being a horse (there had to be a horse-related article today, so here we are).
Pros: You’re allowed to kick anybody that’s standing behind, and it automatically gets blamed on the person.
Cons: Humans can and will kill you for even the minorest (?) of injuries. If you sniffle, bang bang you’re done.
Pros: You can just defecate anywhere you want. Literally, anywhere.
Cons: Small people will be riding you most of the day.
Pros: Win one big race, and they pay you a bunch of money to have sex.
Cons: They make you have sex even when you don’t want to. Sometimes maybe you just want a nice conversation.