Draft Guide For All 32 Teams

I know maybe 7 of the guys in this year’s draft? There’s just no way I’ll ever have the attention span to pay attention to a full 7 rounds of players.

Nonetheless, I’ve got the perfect draft guide for all 32 NFL teams. Not like team by team that’s never going to happen, who’s got the time for that (everyone who does it for a living, true factual statement you’re right). @NFL GMs are free to use it, just throw us a Twitter follow.

None of these GMs  know what they’re doing, right? Instead of trying to dive deep into numbers or look at actual ability, there’s literally just three draft rules you have to follow when you’re a clueless GM:

1. Draft an Alabama DL/LB, or LSU DB

They might stink in the league, but every analyst will love it, or at least say “it makes sense”. Don’t talk to me about “this linebacker guy from ____ university in the middle of nowhere is way better”. Because here’s what we’re doing folks: trying to avoid looking like an idiot. Missing out on a great player is a bad look. But if you missed out on that talent because you picked some guy from Alabama or LSU, you don’t look as big of an idiot. Those guys are all great athletes, so that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about it.

2. Draft big white offensive linemen from the Big Ten

Nobody will ever criticize you for drafting an offensive lineman ever, especially some big white guard from Iowa that nobody has watched tape on, but just knows that they’re big and takes up a lot of space. Especially a Guard, unless you’re a professional scout, you’ve got no ability to distinguish between a great one and average one. This is the equivalent of drafting a 7 foot foreigner in the second round of the NBA draft.

3. Never draft a quarterback

Again, we’re trying to avoid embarrassment in the draft. Let’s not make ourselves look stupid. Best way to do that is you never draft a quarterback. Don’t come at me with “that guy can help us win championships”. Ask yourself “is this guy the next Tom Brady?” and if you can’t immediately say yes, revert back to points one and two and keep your job for another 3 years.


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