I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to talk about the brand of people that we in the Chicagoland area effectively call meatballs (*angry fat man clicks out of this article realizing it’s not about actual meatballs*).
Obvious first question: what’s a meatball? A couple defining characteristics: from the south side or south suburbs of Chicago, skin that’s straight leathery burnt from the first day of Spring to the first day of Fall, an overwhelmingly large belly, and equally overwhelmingly large appetite for ball park food. Even if that’s not enough for you to be able to notice, all you’ve got to do is go to one White Sox game, and look around at the end of each half inning. You’ll see something I call the Meatball Stretch. Alllll the meatballs stand up and exert a groan built by years of hot dog and beer consumption, take a complete look around the stadium (just to make sure every thing’s the exact same as it’s always been), acknowledging all other meatballs with a 1/4 second of eye contact, and then sit back down right before the first pitch of the next half inning.
There’s no social phenomena quite like it that I’ve seen. Now to this guy, who’s got to be the President of the Meatballs if they ever unify. Hot dogs in the hat is such a preposterous move, because there’s nothing to gain from doing that. That alone doesn’t define him a meatball, although unique eating techniques doesn’t hurt your Meatball resume. What makes this a meatball move is offering them to the women in front of him. I don’t know a lot of things, but I know that Meatballs love striking up a conversation with the people sitting by them (especially with women, ehhhh sorry ladies). You’re probably wondering “how did that guys jersey come off so easily when he got tackled?” Wow, you’ve got a lot to learn. Meatballs don’t button up their jerseys because they either can’t, or because they want to get that sweaty belly some sun (a Meatball’s mind during a baseball game is a constant back and forth on whether or not it’s okay yet for him to fully take the shirt off). Maybe throw a Dego-T on under that Paul Konerko jersey that he got for his birthday in 2006, but that’s the most. Next time you see them at a Sox game, don’t scoff at their sweat or their blabber. Appreciate the lifestyle, because you try to live it for one game, and you’ll realize it’s not so easy.
(and also send us videos/pictures of Meatballs on Twitter, I needs it)