It’s Time Marshawn Lynch Becomes, Simply, Marshawn

An outpouring of news yesterday. Aaron Hernandez gets acquitted of two murders. Phil Jackson tells Melo he can go somewhere. And arguably the most important, Marshawn Lynch agreed to terms with the Raiders (even though the Seahawks still have his rights, don’t worry I don’t understand any of it either). And when trying to fit his name into a tweet, it came to me how wild it is that we’re not just calling him Marshawn now. Didn’t he earn it after this:

There’s 5 ways for you to become a “one name only” guy. In my eyes, you have to fit at least 3 of the 5 criteria before everyone’s legally forced to refer to you only by one name:

  1. You’re a Brazilian soccer player (they created their own loophole, have to respect it)
  2. You have a move that’s uniquely yours, that no one else should even try (Rondo)
  3. You’re one of the best to ever play your sport (the most common-if you fit this criteria, you don’t have to fit 2 others: Jordan, Kobe, Tiger, Brady, Lebron)
  4. You’re universally beloved
  5. You change baby naming patterns

Let’s count what Marshawn applies to. Number two: the holmadick when he dives into the endzone, is him. It’s nobody else. Lemme see Lesean Mccoy try to do that next year, and I’m reporting him to the league. That’s uniquely Marshawn Lynch. 1/5.

Number 4 seems obvious. Who doesn’t like Marshawn Lynch?


Besides beat writers who complain about him not answering their dumb questions. I’ve yet to meet one person who doesn’t adore Marshawn Lynch. 2/5.

And the last one that we need, to get us to the criteria. “Oh Paul it’s going to be hard no way that Marshawn Lynch has influenced baby names”

marshawn baby name\

That uptick in 2014 and 2015 making it the most popular it’s ever been? Check. Mate. 3/5.


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