One Sentence Oscar Reviews (BTW: I’ve Only Seen Two Of The Movies)

Fine, I didn’t watch alllll of the movies nominated for the Best Picture Oscar tonight. But that shouldn’t make me unqualified to review them and tell you which one wins. For your help, I’ve broken it down into 3 categories. And of course, there are some spoilers.

Movies I Actually Watched All The Way Through

Manchester By The Sea

Boston people doing Boston things with Boston accents after Coach Taylor dies.

Rating: 5.7/10


Amy Adams saves the world in an alien movie that takes about 30 hours to get interesting.

Rating: 6.2/10

Movies I’ve seen <30 minutes of, so the reviews probably aren’t accurate


Remy Danton tries to help a kid turn his life around.

Rating: 6.8/10

Hell or High Water

Either in the south or the west, or the south west, a bunch of people kill each other for seemingly no reason other than that they’ve got nothing else going on out there.

Rating: 8/10

Hacksaw Ridge

Spiderman tries to get a job that involves killing people but doesn’t want to kill people, while trying to bang the nurse.

Rating: 6.1/10

Movies I saw 0 minutes of, so the reviews are DEFINITELY innacurate


Lion King sequel set in modern day India.

Rating: 7.3/10

La La Land

Some sort of Ryan Gosling dancing and singing bullshit that nobody would’ve watched if it weren’t nominated for an Oscar.

Rating: 2.2/10


A chronicle of Denzel Washington’s least favorite summer, that he spent painting fences for the Park District.

Rating: 4.7/10

Hidden Figures

Really smart women do really smart things that help us reach the alien space ship that we refer to as the moon.

Rating: 8.8/10


Has to be Hidden Figures, that seems to be what everyone’s talking about. It’s the best story of all the nominees, and one of the ones people would’ve seen even if it weren’t nominated for an Oscar. La La Land is the favorite to the oddsmakers right now, but I just can’t believe that we’re all going to keep on letting Ryan Gosling to do these nonsense romance movies where all he does is pop his shirt off and then all of a sudden it’s the Best Picture.





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