The First(-ish) Thing Aliens Will Ask Us Is What’s the Deal with Eyelashes

Today I looked real hard in the mirror. Not off some philosophical stuff, off some I had to put my contacts in and I get real close to the mirror for that.

And I’m up close and personal with my eyeball, and all I can think are how absurd these whiskers popping out of our eyeballs are. Let me be the first to call b.s. on the narrative that eyelashes are keeping stuff out of our eyes. False, they’re just in there mixing it up on my cornea and whatnot, all sorts of pain. Plus they’ve just got a feeling of weakness to them, that I feel will really hurt our intergalactic street cred.

So that first time we talk to aliens (we obviously already have, but the first time the government tells us about it), they’re going to look us up and down, and ask why the hell we have hair coming out of our eyeballs, and I won’t have an answer for them (just assuming I’ll be Earth’s spokesman).

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